"What is the Lifestyle?"
At first glance many people might assume that the Lifestyle (otherwise known as "swinging") is all about sex. But that assumption is only partially correct. The Lifestyle is so much more than just sex. It's about meeting people and making friends who are a lot like you – uninhibited, open-minded, non-judgmental, sexually expressive and open to enjoying life. You will meet many new friends to go out with, cook with, travel with, and enjoy the many fine things that life has to offer. It's about truly being yourself and enjoying a life that is totally uninhibited and uncensored in every way.
"Swinging?... Isn't that the same thing as cheating?"
Hogwash! Swinging is not cheating. If I may be so bold as to quote a very popular television psychologist, the good doctor defined "cheating" as doing something with someone else that you would not do if your spouse was standing right next to you. That could apply to a lot of things which violate the trust of a relationship.
In the case of swingers this does not apply. Since the majority of swinging activities occur while the spouse is present, or at the very least approving and enthusiastic, it is not cheating.
Anything you do behind your partner's back and against their wishes is betrayal of trust. Swingers eliminate lying, distrust and secrecy from their relationship. Everything that a person does in the Lifestyle is done openly, honestly and with the full consent and enthusiasm of their partner. Otherwise, even the most experienced swinger would consider it cheating. Swingers detest cheaters and do not condone cheating of any kind.
"I'm married or in a relationship and am only interested in the Lifestyle so I can meet people and cheat behind my spouse's back. Am I a horrible person?"
Yes. Seriously. Get the hell off our website. We hope that someone kicks you in your balls or labia.
"Aren't swingers all older retired people? Is there anyone young in the Lifestyle?"
Ah, you must watch a lot of late night cable documentaries; well if that is where you are getting your information about the Lifestyle, then it's no wonder you think that swingers are all on social security! The truth is, that the vast majority of people in the Lifestyle are young, with average ages in the 30's and 40's!
Younger people usually have much greater reasons to keep their involvement in the Lifestyle a guarded secret. Younger swingers are more likely to work for an employer who might make life difficult if anyone at work ever found out. They may have parents and family that would be disapproving of their personal lives. They are also more likely to have younger children and want to be very low key about their adult activities.
The reason that 99% of the swingers you see in documentaries and talk shows are older is because they no longer face the same risks as younger swingers. The older swingers who speak publicly about their lifestyle usually own there own businesses or are retired by now, so they don't fear problems at their jobs. Their parents may no longer be alive, so they don't have to fear family disapproval. Their children are all grown up and out of the house. They no longer have the same risks, so they don't care who finds out.
The reality is that the majority of swingers are young, the bulk being in their 30's and 40's; and, yes, while there are swingers in their 50's and 60's, there are also tens of thousands in their 20's. So there are, literally, millions of attractive young people in the Lifestyle. And since the invention of the World-Wide-Whatchamacallit, the number of young people in the Lifestyle has exploded and continues to grow rapidly! You just need to know where to look, and Kasidie Magazine will help you understand the community and make connections.
"How many people are there? What are they like?"
In the USA alone there are estimated to be as many as 8 million people in the Lifestyle. It's difficult to get an accurate count since most people remain secretive about their involvement, and last I checked "are you a swinger?" was not a question asked by the Census Bureau.
The simple fact is that swingers are from every political, religious, age, and economic group you can think of. I've met businessmen/women, entrepreneurs, politicians, lawyers, doctors, pastors, airline pilots, mechanics, firemen/women, police officers, contractors, architects, retailers, students, writers, sports professionals, celebrities, realtors, scientists, homemakers, engineers, and so many others who come from all occupations and walks of life. It's wonderful.
Here's a list of actual professions held by some of the people in the Lifestyle that I've met:
Chief of Police
Real Estate Agent
Sunday School Teacher
And yes... I've also met the occasional stripper and porn star too. But they were very nice and surprisingly normal.
"Gosh! You've had sex with all those different people?!"
WHAT?!... Can't you read!? I only said that I've MET these people. I've only played with some of them, the rest are friends and acquaintances. Why on earth would you automatically assume that I've had sex with every swinger I've met? While an open-minded and playful attitude towards sex is something that all people in the Lifestyle have in common, it doesn't mean that sex is some sort of mandatory requirement when swingers meet each other. Just like in the regular dating world, there has to be chemistry & mutual attraction between people before anyone "plays".
Some of my very closest friends are people in the Lifestyle who I have no sexual relationship with. But they're wonderful and open-minded people who I can truly be myself around. In a way, being in the Lifestyle is a lot like belonging to a club.
"Doesn't wanting sex with other people mean that swingers must be unhappy in their own relationships?"
Nope. Studies show that couples in the Lifestyle are actually more likely to be very happy in their relationships than the average couple. It's easy to understand why, since couples that swing typically have a much higher level of trust, honesty and communication with their partner than the average non-swinger couple. You don't need Dr. Phil to tell you that those are three things that are key in a healthy and happy relationship. Plus, having a spouse who wants to help you fulfill your sexual fantasies... how can you not be happy about that!?
"If my spouse really loved me, wouldn't I be the only one they think about having sex with?"
You can't possibly believe that, can you? Do you honestly mean to tell us that you've never had sexual thoughts about anyone who isn't your partner? Or course you have!... you're probably doing it right now! Everyone does it, because it's natural. Humans have powerful libidos and even more powerful imaginations. George Clooney was named "Sexiest Man Alive" and you'd better believe that lots and lots of women think about having sex with him. The Dallas cheerleaders aren't popular because they are good dancers, they're popular because men (and women) think about having sex with them.
But when you think about your favorite sexy celebrity, that is all you are thinking about... "sex". You are not thinking about how much you love and care for them. You're not thinking about the wonderful look on their face when you throw them a surprise party. You're not thinking about how safe and secure you feel in their arms. You're not thinking about how they mean more to you than anything in your entire life... those are not the thoughts and feelings you have for every person you find sexually attractive. They are the feelings that you feel only for the one you love... and your mate feels the same about you.
There are two things at work here – lust and love. Lust is what you felt in your teens and early twenties when you were on dates and had that first kiss, the first touch of her thigh, the feeling of his hand on your knee, not knowing if you were going to explode. When we fall in love, those feelings of lust towards your partner eventually cool down, and are replaced with a wonderful feeling of security and attachment. But the craving for lust will always be there... that's why so many people give in to the lustful cravings and cheat on their spouses who they really, truly do love.
Swinging is something that couples do because they love each other. They love to please each other and watch each other be pleasured. The passion that it stirs in them can take them to a higher level of intensity than they could ever believe. They willingly indulge each other's lustful cravings in a cooperative and supervised manner, and in the process they strengthen their bonds as a couple.
"So will joining the Lifestyle help fix an unhappy relationship?"
No! No! Nooooooooooo!!!! We can't stress this enough! If you are having problems with your relationship DO NOT under any circumstances get into the Lifestyle! You should only enter the Lifestyle if you have a stable, trusting and wonderful relationship. If your relationship is already great, the Lifestyle can make it even better. But before entering the Lifestyle you MUST make sure that you and your partner have no outstanding or unresolved problems or emotional turmoil.
"Is this all about sex?"
Well... yes... and no! At its core swinging comes down to physical pleasure without emotional entanglements, allowing people to explore and act upon their sexuality without fear of damaging their relationship with their mates. A recent study shows that men and women have just about the exact same reasons and motivation for having sex, blowing away old stereotypes; you can read it here.
But it's also about making friends, joining groups of social people who enjoy the same interests and hobbies ranging from clubbing to writing to motorcycle riding to traveling to cooking to wine to boating to skiing... and sex!
"Why do people join the Lifestyle?"
Statistics reveal that sexual dissatisfaction is one of the single biggest causes of divorce worldwide... and it's avoidable!
Studies show that it's common for spouses (both men and women) to cheat on their mate, usually starting within a few years of marriage. This is rarely due to people not being in love with one another – the relationship may otherwise be great, but the natural biological drives for the mental & physical aspects of sex can overwhelm people, as it is something hard wired into our genetic code; repression of these natural urges causes deep unhappiness and eventually manifests itself in cheating.
Releasing this bottled up sexual energy in a healthy, honest and mutual way leads to stronger bonds with your mate. As people understand this they gravitate to the Lifestyle as a natural way to meet these needs. It takes communication and understanding, it takes plenty of trust, and it takes accepting that there may be differences in the individual sexual needs and desires between yourself and your mate, and that it's okay and not personal. It's just sex. At the end of the evening you're still going home with your guy/gal, the one you love and respect, the one who shares your life.
"What is the impact on relationships?"
If handled properly, the Lifestyle can be fantastic for a relationship. You'll even find that the sex you have with each other will become even better and more frequent. After years together, it's sometimes easy to forget just how sexy your partner really is. Seeing how turned on they can make other people is a wonderful reminder of just how lucky you are to be with someone so sexy. And with your (and their) sexual needs being taken care of, and with communication better than ever, your relationship will flourish.
"What about jealousy?"
Ah yes, the green monster does appear, even in the lifestyle. Jealousy is a natural insecurity caused either by the fear of losing something or by envy. Watching your guy/gal with someone else... screaming, sweating and writhing in ecstasy... can make you insecure or envious. Relax, it's just sex. At the end of the night, you're going home together, just as the other couples are.
The best way to avoid jealousy is to take it slow, start by watching and talking to others, and communicate communicate communicate while making sure each other is being taken care of according to each persons individual sexual needs. This becomes part of and enhances your relationship, not a threat to it.
Side Note: What if someone can bring your partner greater sexual satisfaction than you can? Well, this might just happen. You've been with your guy/gal a lot, and they can pretty much anticipate everything you're going to do. The newness of being with someone else, of being desired by them, or having them do things in new and unexpected ways can often result in a huge amount of pleasure. So don't take it personal, it isn't – just as that person is doing something new to your guy/gal, so it is that you are doing something new to their guy/gal. And they may be watching what you're doing so they can learn a few new things their partner likes and then do that when they get home, and you can do the same!
"Isn't the Lifestyle bad for the children of swingers?"
Why on earth would you tell your children about your private sex life!? Do non-swingers tell their children all the dirty details of what goes on in their bedroom? No, there's never a reason to do that! The only thing that matters to children is that they see that their mother and father love each other and are happy. A child with happy, loving, swinging parents is always better off than a child with angry, fighting, vanilla parents.
"What about diseases?"
The world is full of sexually transmitted diseases, but the lifestyle is not. This is really not so different from when you were single and having sex with other people on a highly selective basis. People in the lifestyle are almost all happy, healthy and educated committed couples, everyone uses condoms, and good hygiene is the norm. The result is that incidents of STD's are almost unheard of, in spite of the high frequency of sexual experiences.
"Is everyone bisexual?"
The majority of females in the Lifestyle are indeed bisexual. In fact, a woman's bisexuality, or bi-curiosity is one of the most common reasons that couples get involved in the Lifestyle to begin with. Most men in the Lifestyle are straight, and though there are indeed some guys who "swing both ways", male bisexuality is less accepted in the Lifestyle than female bi-sexuality. That's just the way it is, don't ask me why. Couples with actively bi-sexual males are usually seeking the same and do not seek out couples with straight men.
"Clubs vs parties?"
Different flavors of the same thing; being social. Some people live in cities where there aren't any lifestyle clubs and, thus, house parties are the only way to meet people. Clubs are great ways to meet people, and to have relatively anonymous sex if that's what you prefer. Home parties are the best way to form friendships as they are usually smaller, more select and have a host who will introduce you to people.
"On-Premise vs Off-Premise?"
This is simply a term that tells you whether sexual activity is allowed at the facility. On-premise clubs have areas where you can play with others, off-premise clubs do not. People who meet at off-premise clubs and want to have sex need to find a hotel room, go to a home, spread a blanket on the beach or whatever else, as long as it's not at the facility.
"What to expect on your first visit?"
A lot of talking. First, I'll assume you've done your homework and chosen a party or club where there are people who are a lot like you (age, interests, etc). Your first time at a party can be a little intimidating, as you don't really know what to expect... so read on and let me tell you! Your hosts will usually take you on a tour and introduce you to some people. Now
you have two choices – a. stand off in a corner and watch people, or, b. hang out by the bar and find ways to join in conversations... you'll quickly learn that swingers are some of the most friendly and welcoming people you will ever meet. And as you meet people and wander through the facility, you will become more comfortable.
Sex on your first visit? Maybe, but not likely. Most "newbies" just sit back and take everything in, politely saying "no thanks" to anyone who does ask if they want to play; so if that's you, then just know that's normal. If you do want to play, go for it, but most couples will visit a club numerous times before they venture into a play room as a participant. Just remember to go at your own pace and do what feels right for you.
What do we wear? Unless it's a theme party...
Guys – dress casually; but not jeans or denim. Go with whatever is most trendy or hip in your wardrobe – the over arching rule of thumb is to wear something your girl thinks you look hot in... and don't forget the sexy cologne.
Girls – dress as sexy as you dare (have fun with it!), fluff your hair, pull out the stiletto's, put on perfume and select your costume jewelry (might want to consider leaving the wedding ring and real jewelry at home, as massage oils, sex lubricants and jacuzzi's can cause things to slip off and get lost), and shave your bikini area (most girls are completely, 100% shaved smooth, but a nicely trimmed Brazilian is fine too).
Both – shower before you head to the club.
"Who's in charge?"
The girls!!! Woo Hoo!!!! WOMEN RUN THE LIFESTYLE. While swinging is a partnership and a team effort, it is women who make all the ultimate decisions. Why? Because men are generally terrible at communicating. If women weren't in charge, the Lifestyle would be a very uncomfortable and intimidating place. I don't even like to think about it. The Lifestyle offers us women a place to explore our libido and our sexuality in a safe and fun environment.
Men in the Lifestyle should be polite, patient, respectful, and most of all grateful that they have girls like us who want to share an experience like this with him. Men who are bossy, aggressive, disrespectful or otherwise inappropriate do not last long in the Lifestyle. In the case of most parties, clubs or events, a couple with a disrespectful male will be immediately expelled and never allowed back... and news of rowdy male behavior travels fast. Don't you forget it!
So remember, the girls lead the flirtation and start the action. If I'm attracted to you and/or your partner, it'll come out through conversation. I might ask if you want to play, or I might have my guy ask, but make no mistake about it; the girls run the show.
"Are people pushy or aggressive?"
It's considered extremely impolite for anyone to be aggressive toward someone else. If anything, you'll find yourself wishing people were more forward. I can't tell you how many times we've been mutually attracted to another couple, but everyone was too shy to make the first move! Believe it or not, even swingers can be nervous when they first meet another couple. And so many times when I've risked being the icebreaker and asked "do you guys want to play?", I've been met with "yes!" in a big breath of relief. Even with the sexual tension and erotic energy of a swingers party, people can be intimidated or reticent to ask THE question.
Given this reality, and it is the reality of most parties, you really don't need to worry about some couple being pushy with you. And if someone does happen to get a little too pushy for your tastes? You should never feel uncomfortable about saying "no thanks", it's always accepted at face value; a cardinal rule of the Lifestyle.
"What is a 'Unicorn'?"
A unicorn is a single female, almost always bisexual, who enjoys sex with couples. Unicorns are called such because they are rare, beautiful creatures. Unicorns may be very aware of their sexuality and have profiles on lifestyle websites, attending parties and hooking up with couples who catch their eye, or they may be girls who are recently out of a relationship or are busy with a career and don't currently want the complexity of a relationship in their life, while still recognizing their sexual needs.
"What about single males?"
While there's no cute nickname for single guys, there are a lot of them in the Lifestyle... or at least trying to be in the Lifestyle. In general they are almost never allowed to attend parties or events, and many couples block them from any communication. However, there are quite a few couples who do like to play with single guys, enjoying male-female-male trysts, or who have recognized that a wife's sexual need or fantasy is to play with a lot of guys (which, again, has nothing to do with her relationship with her husband).
The rare single males who are successful in the Lifestyle are the ones who are patient, respectful, polite, and never ever pushy or aggressive. They are usually very active members of online Lifestyle communities, posting in forums in a highly selective manner (articulating on things about which they have genuine expertise, not spamming and making a nuisance of themselves) and attending open parties so that other members can get to know their personality. They understand and accept that most people are not interested in single males. If a single male has gained the respect of the Lifestyle community he will eventually be contacted by the couples or single females who are interested in him. But it takes a lot of patience, grace and respect... none of which can be faked.
"What are your favorite things about being in the Lifestyle?"
In this order:
1) Each Other – The Lifestyle has brought us closer to each other and made our bond stronger than ever. We have better trust and communication than either of us ever had in previous conventional relationships. Seeing other people appreciate and desire your spouse is a constant reminder of just how beautiful they are and how lucky you are to have them.
2) The People – I've met so many incredible, open-minded people and made many close friends. As I've said, the Lifestyle is not all about having sex. Through the people that you'll meet, you'll find that your life can improve in many different ways. You might make business contacts, find someone to housesit for you, get a roofing expert to help you fix that hail damage, score football tickets that someone wasn't using, get free medical advice, free computer support, the list goes on and on. The people I've met in the Lifestyle are without a doubt the most generous and helpful people anywhere.
3) The Sex – I don't think I need to elaborate on this one... I know you'd like me to... but hopefully you'll learn for yourself soon enough!
Lifestyle Terminology –
Vanilla – someone who is not in the Lifestyle.
Poser – a person who claims to be a swinger but never actually plays with anyone.
Unicorn – a single female who enjoys having sex with couples.
Bi-curious – someone who is interested in exploring their bisexuality, but hasn't yet had the chance.
Bi-comfortable – they finally had the chance, and discovered that while they are comfortable with it they really just prefer playing with the opposite sex.
Bi-sexual – someone who enjoys sexual play with people of both genders.
Soft swap – a couple who likes to play, but draws the line somewhere short of intercourse. This covers a very broad
spectrum, as a "soft swap" couple might limit themselves to just touching, or they might be okay with and enjoy oral sex, just not vaginal sex. Communication is critical so everyone understands the limits.
Full swap – intercourse included!
Same Room – Couples who only play in the presence of their significant other, with everyone having sex in the same room, even if with other people. This is the majority, but certainly not all, of the couples in the lifestyle.
Voyeur – someone who really just prefers to watch, and finds their enjoyment that way. Some couples have husbands or wives who are voyeurs and enjoy watching their wife or husband play, some couples are both voyeurs (and some are down right exhibitionists!).
Fetish – a strong, erotic urge to a particular thing or action. Some people are uncontrollably turned on by a specific body part (e.g. feet), others by a particular scent, others still be a special costume, and some by a certain form of sex or physicality.
Play – to engage in sexual activity is to "play". If someone asks if you want to play, they don't mean cards.
Meet & Greet – a gathering of swingers at an off-premise location, where you can meet others in the lifestyle.
Takeover – when a group of lifestylers pay to secure 100% of a facility for a swinger party or event. No vanilla people are allowed at the facility during a takeover.
DP – double penetration. Some girls experience intense pleasure by having two guys at the same time, one anally and the other vaginally. It can be a great experience... trust me! ;)
Naturist – a nudist, and probably not a swinger. Just because someone likes to get naked doesn't mean they are comfortable with their sexuality.
Swinger – Um... If you've made it this far into the site and still don't know what a swinger is... then I think you're wasting your time on this website... Here, maybe this is more your speed - click here.
On-Premise/Off-Premise – simply says whether sexual activity is permitted at the facility. On–premise clubs have areas where people can play, off-premise clubs don't.
"No" – means "no". It's not personal, and it's not a big deal as there are always others who want to play. When someone says no, you say "thanks" and move on.
Lifestyle – living your life free of inhibitions and repression, enjoying time with others who share the same outlook and who savor life like you do.